I'm Miscarrying

Today was supposed to be our first doctor appointment. When we went in, they did all the paperwork for a first pregnancy appointment, along with all the blood work. That's where everything stopped being normal. The nurse did not have me undress, which was our first sign that something was wrong. When the doctor came in, she confirmed our fears that our baby had died.

I am now scheduled to go in for surgery Friday because it has been two weeks since our baby died, but my body is showing absolutely no signs of a miscarriage. I know my body is just being stubborn and doesn't want to let go. The doctor is concerned about infection.

What has bothered me the most is that they knew for four days what was happening, and didn't tell us. All we could do between our ultrasound and our appointment was hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Now we have to wait another three days for the D&C.

It is very hard to accept, especially because this was going to be our first child, my mom's first grandchild, and my grandparents' first great-grandchild. This is not what we were expecting when we went into that doctors office. I still feel pregnant. I feel exactly the same as I did before - the same morning sickness, the same fatigue, the same soreness. I keep wondering if maybe they just made a mistake, maybe this is a bad dream and I'm going to wake up any minute.

I wonder what it would be like to hold my baby. I wonder what he would look like. I'll never get the chance to meet him. I'll never get to watch him get on the bus for the first day of school, go off to college, get married and have kids.

It seems so unfair. We would have been two loving parents. We have a house to provide, plenty of food, and everything else you need for a baby. When I think of all the babies out there born to teenage mothers and single mothers, drug addicts, and alcoholics, I just wonder why all their babies lived and mine had to die.

This is now at all what we were expecting when we walked into that doctor's office yesterday. I know there is a reason that this happened - that there was something wrong with him. I know that there is nothing that I could have done to prevent this, but I still wonder. I have no idea what I'm going to say to my mom when she gets back from her trip tonight.

I guess all I really know is that now there is a little angel in heaven watching down over us.